Jokes and Gags

[herc15]

“What ship has never arrived in the ports of Liverpool? The Premiership.”

[herc15]

How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb? None they just sit around talking about how good the old one was.

[herc15]

An Aston Villa fan walks into a pub with his dog just as the football scores come on the TV. The announcer says that Aston Villa have lost 3-0 and the dog immediately rolls over on its back, sticks its paws in the air and plays dead. “That’s amazing,” says the barman, “what does he do when they win?” The Aston Villa Fan scratches his head for a couple of minutes and finally replies, “I dunno… I’ve only had the dog for eight months.”

[herc15]

Three old football fans are in a church praying for their teams. The first one asks, “Oh Lord when will Manchester City stop buying the refs?” God Replies, “In the next five years.” “But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man. The second one asks, “Oh Lord, when will Manchester United stop buying the refs?” The Good Lord – answers, “In the next ten years.” “But I’ll be dead by then,” says the man. The third one asks, “Oh Lord when will Barcelona stop buying the refs?”. God answers, “I’ll be dead by then!”

[herc15]

A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.

[Bragail]

Mick says to Paddy "close your flippin' curtains the next time you're up to no good with the missus, all the neighbours were falling about laughing at you yesterday!". "Well" said Paddy, "the laugh is on them nosey sods because I wasn't even home last night................!"

[johnhowe]

I think we should suspend Jokes & Gags in deference to Sir Ken Dodd for a while RIP.

[Nighthawke]

To be honest I think he would want people to carry on laughing and joking as he did for most of his 90 years.

[britaylor]

Agree but we still got David Jason

[jem60]

Agree with Nighthawke. We can show our respect privately.

[Proteus]

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!"Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too,"Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him


"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus," Says the barman.

"The circus?" Repeats the duck.

"That's right," Replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again “with the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. .

"What the f.... would they want with a plasterer??!"
__________________

[jem60]

Years ago, I knew a steam train enthusiast. He had this recurring nightmare that he would be run over by a steam train. When it actually happened for real, he was chuffed to bits.!.

[herc15]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf '
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[herc15]

They put grandpa in an old folks home, and the nurse put him out on the sunny balcony. Every now and then, he started leaning to one side, so a nurse rushed over and straightened him up...

The son & daughter-in-law visited him a week later. "How's it going here Dad?"

He replied, "Son you gotta get me out of here, they won't let me fart!"

[herc15]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

'Of course , child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my
mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and
I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest fac e, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

[herc15]

A salesman was sitting in his office one day when his co-worker came in.

" Hey, remember last fall when we went on that trip to Kentucky ?"

"Yea" the guy replied.

"Well," his buddy said " Remember that rich old ladies farmhouse we stayed in when our car broke down? "

"Yea"

"By any chance , did you sneak off to her room and make love to her ?"

This time the salesman in getting worried " Yep"

" And did you give her My name, instead of yours ?"

"Yes"

" Well, she just died and left me everything ..."

[herc15]

Mouse Balls & Mouse Ball inspector

I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.

If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

[herc15]

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, 'I just paid $6,000.00 for these
implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I
pulled the trigger.

[herc15]

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville
Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put
$1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the
church."

The pastor asked, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady replied, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"

The little old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno ."

[herc15]

A blind snake and a blind bunny are taking a stroll through the forest. They are both blind, and because they could not see each other, they collide. the snake says to the bunny "Oh I'm sorry, I'm blind and could not see you." The bunny replies the same thing. Then, the snake says "based on the collision and what it felt like, I bet I can tell what you are. You had a fluffy tail, soft fur, and long ears. I guess you are a bunny." The bunny replies "Correct. Now, what I felt when colliding with you was slimy, had no bones, brains, or balls. You must be French."