Jokes and Gags

[Proteus]

Repent O Scottish Sinner......

There was a Scottish house painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very
interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down
his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually
the BaptistChurch decided to do a big restoration job on the outside
of one of their biggest buildings

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks,
and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down
with water...

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the
sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from
all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land
on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of
the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..




(you're going to love this)




"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

[herc15]

I don't know if you heard about them, but here we go:

plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax -- OHMY GOD!" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the Captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilt it in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing, he should see the back of mine!"
-------
Pilot: "...Tower, please call me a fuel truck."
Tower: "Roger. You are a fuel truck."
------
Pilot: "Ground, XY-line 195, requesting start-up."
Tower: "Sorry, XY-line 195, we don't have your flight plan. What is your destination ?"
Pilot: "To Leipzig, like every Monday."
Tower: "But today is Tuesday!"
Pilot: "WHAT? But Tuesday we are off !"
------
Tower: You have traffic at 10 o'clock,6 miles!
Pilot: Give us another hint, we have digital watches!

------
Tower: Mission 123, do you have problems?
Pilot: I think, I have lost my compass.
Tower: Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!

------
Pilot: Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please.
Tower: KLM 242 expect start up in two hours.
Pilot: Please confirm: two hours delay?
Tower: Affirmative.
Pilot: In that case, cancel the good morning
---------
Tower: "Height and position?"
Pilot: "I am 1,80 m and I'm sitting

(that's stupid but damn funny lol)
-----
On a very quiet night:
Pilot: "Fark I'm bored"
Tower: "Would the aircraft reporting boredom please identify your self"
Pilot: "I said I was farking bored, not farking stupid"

-----
I over heard this while on ground control in MIA.
VIRGIN Flt: "Every time I come to MIA you women controllers give us a hard time."
ATC: "For the nine years I have been a controller, I have never had a problem handling a VIRGIN."
-----
A female pilot at Sydney's Bankstown airport was in a hurry to get airborne, she made the following request: "Bankstown Tower Cessna ABC requests an intersexual departure runway 29R."
Almost straight away ATC reply: "ABC, The full length is available."

------
ATC: Piper N 4444D, traffic at your 2o'clock, 500 ft below you.
Piper N4444D: Well, we see a light coming towards us ... ATC: Look again - there's probably a plane behind that light.

-------
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."

-----
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing... but I didn't stop."

[herc15]

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago
and the son who had been looking out the window turned to his mother and
said. "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats. Why don't big
planes have little planes?" The mother who couldn't think of an answer told
her son to ask the stewardess. So the little boy asked the stewardess the
same question he asked his mother and the stewardess asked "Did your mother
tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. With a clever grin, she said "Tell
your mother, it's because Southwest Airlines always pulls out on time."

[herc15]

A pilot walks into a bar and orders a scotch, the bartender pours the scotch, using the cheapest brand on the shelf. The pilot takes a sip of the drink and spits it out.

Pilot: That was terrible, that has to be the cheapest scotch you have.
Bartender: You mean you can taste the difference?
Pilot: Damn right, I have been drinking scotch since my younger days, I am a pilot afterall and can afford the best.
Bartender: Well lets have a quick test.

(The pilot pours "3" different scotch brands into "3" different glasses to see if indeed the pilot can taste the difference)
In true fashion the pilot gets everyone right.
A drunken crew scheduler sitting in the corner watching the whole event, then hands the pilot another glass.

Crew Scheduler: Here taste this.
Pilot: Takes a sip, and then spits it out, "Oh my god, that taste like pee!"
Crew Scheduler: "I know that, but whose?"

[herc15]

How do you know a party is half over?


When the pilot says "that's enough about my airplane, let's talk about me."

[herc15]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.

The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[herc15]

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal
Aviation Administration, and it was shortly before Christmas when the FAA
examiner arrived.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the
reindeer. Santa got out his logbook and made sure all his paperwork was
in order.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer
harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly
reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous
payload.

Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his
seatbelt and shoulder harness, and checked the compass. Then the examiner
hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun..

"What's that for?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but
you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."

[herc15]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had
something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels, in fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then The phone rings...

It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..."

"What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?"

"No..."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX

[AndrewBarclay]

Thomas Cook Complaints..........................

1. " I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like ginger
nuts and custard creams.
2. " Its lazy of the shopkeepers to close in the afternoon. I often needed to buy thing's during "siesta time- this should be banned.
3. "On my holiday in Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. " I don't like spicy food at all."
4. The beach was too sandy.
5. "We found that the sand in the brochure was not like the sand on the beach instead of yellow it was white."
6...."No one told us there would be fish in the sea, our children were startled".
7. The road were uneven.
8. The drains and open sewers are not pleasant.

That's enough complaints for now.

[AndrewBarclay]

Good example of a brain study; if you can read this you have a strong mind.

7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 70 PROV3 HOW OUR M1ND5 C4N
DO 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5 1N 7H3
B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 NOW ON 7H15 L1N3
YOUR MIND IS R34D1NG 17 4U7OM471C4LLY W17H OU7
3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4BOU7 17, B3 PROUD ONLY C3R741N
P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.

PL3453 FORWARD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15

In case you don't have a strong mind

This message serves to prove how our minds can
do amazing things impressive things in the beginning
it was hard but now on this line your mind is reading it automatically
without even thinking about it, be proud only certain people
can read this. Hope I have read this (write)

[AndrewBarclay]

Thomas Cook Complaints..........................

1. " I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like ginger
nuts and custard creams.
2. " Its lazy of the shopkeepers to close in the afternoon. I often needed to buy thing's during "siesta time- this should be banned.
3. "On my holiday in Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. " I don't like spicy food at all."
4. The beach was too sandy.
5. "We found that the sand in the brochure was not like the sand on the beach instead of yellow it was white."
6...."No one told us there would be fish in the sea, our children were startled".
7. The road were uneven.
8. The drains and open sewers are not pleasant.

That's enough complaints for now.

Cont....
9. Topless bathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day
looking at other women.
10. "There was no egg slicer in our apartment"
11. We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish.
12. " It took us nine hours to fly home to England from Jamaica. It took the Americans only three hours.
13. I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends three-bedroom apartment and ours
was significantly smaller.
14. The brochure stated " No hairdressers at the accommodation", We are only trainee hairdressers- will we be OK staying there.
15. "We had to queue outside as there was no air-conditioning".
16 There were too many Spanish people, The Receptionist in our Spanish Hotel, in Spain was Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners now live abroad. Some of these should be upgraded to the Darwin Awards.

[AndrewBarclay]

What is couple sex?

An 8 year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him , "Grandpa, what is
couple sex."?

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough
to ask that question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of sexual intercourse.

When he had finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with mouth wide open, eyes wide in
amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask that question?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma, says that dinner will be on the table in just a couple of secs."

[AndrewBarclay]

Female Medical.

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:- "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine."

"Now let's see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.

"No! No! leave your knickers on....just stick out your tongue!" (How very True)

[herc15]

[AndrewBarclay]

Rugby joke.

A very tall man walks into a bar, a lady recognises him as a Rugby player.

they start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss and the man takes off his shirt.

On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"Whats that?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, people see my tattoo, and Rebook pay me a fee for advertising."

Then the man takes off his trousers, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

"Whats that? " the lady questions again.

" Just like the reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV"

Then the man drops his underwear and on his member he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

The lady screams " Don't tell me you have AIDS!"

The rugby replies "NO,no..!!! calm down it will say ADIDAS in a minute."

[AndrewBarclay]

Blond tales.

Car Trouble

A blond pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic the engine died on me.

After he works on it a few minutes, it is idling smoothly, she says "what was the problem?."

" Just crap in the carburettor." She asks " How often do I have to do that "?

Speeding ticket

A Police Officer stops a blond for speeding and asks very nicely if he can see her licence.

She replies in a huff, I wish you guys would get your act together.

Just yesterday you took my licence after I smashed up those other Police cars and now you expect me

to show it to you."

T Shirt

A blond goes over to her friends house wearing a T.G.I.F. Tee shirt.

"Why are you wearing a " Thank god if Friday Tee-Shirt on a Monday."

" Oh Damn the blond says, " I didn't realise it was a religious Tee-Shirt

I thought it meant "manboobs! Go in Front". (This is politically incorrect and has been automatically changed to Man boobs)

River walk

This blond is walking along a lane and comes across a river and sees another blond on the other bank.

"Yoo-Hoo, she shouts", How can I get to the other side?

The second blond looks up the river then down the river and shouts back

"You are on the other side"

Blond on the sun

A Russian, an American, and a blond were talking one day.

The Russian said " We were the first in Space"

The American said " We were the first on the moon."

The Blond said so what! we're going to be the first to land on the sun"

The Russian and American looked at each other and shook their heads.

" You cannot land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up" said the Russian.

To which the blond replied, " we are not stupid, you know. We are going at night."

Finally the blond joke to end all blond jokes.

A girl was visiting her blond friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what there names were.

The blond responded by saying that one was named rolex and one was named Timex.

The friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?

"Helloooooooooooooooooo" answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[Gary]

I don't want to be a spoil sport, but can we make sure the jokes are suitable for all ages, as the forum does cater for everyone

[herc15]

Sorry , I'm feeling very responsible here...
i'll try and keep them above the belt in future

[AndrewBarclay]

Sorry I, feeling very responsible here...
i'll try and keep them above the belt in future

Herc 15 Don't beat yourself up I have probably been naughty myself.
and will adhere to our forum principles.

[herc15]

hear about the cockney man who brought a new Gilet...
he had to prove to his wife that it was money spent 'armlessly