Jokes and Gags

[AndrewBarclay]

OK - I'll be the first smarta*se!

Put the first letter at the end and then read it right to left i.e. backwards.

"Correct" give that man a coconut.

Back to the jokes.

[johnhowe]

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you're in a coma!


Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a
commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station
103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a "worst job
experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.

"Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last
week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling
down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you
to make you realize it's not so bad after all. "Before I can tell
you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom
of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This
time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm
is this:

We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000
piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through
a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like
a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no
complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working,
is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This
floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a
Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt
started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made
things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I
realized what had happened. "The hot water machine had sucked up a
jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any
hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the
crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I
thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the
crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over
the communicator. "His instructions were unclear due to the fact
that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing
hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed
to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling
thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my
chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was
wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water,
the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me
a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got
in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for
two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're
having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if
you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. "Now repeat to yourself,
"I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." And whenever you
have a bad day, ask yourself: is this a "jellyfish bad day?"

I refer you to Jokes & Gags 23/12/17 page 9 at least your diver survived mine ended up in a forest fire.

[johnhowe]

I haven't seen these for a few years.

Real RAF Report;

The RAF writes annual OFRs (Officer Fitness Reports) The form used for fitness reports is S 206.
The following are actual excerpts taken from real 206s.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

I would not breed from this Officer

This Officer is not so really not so much as a has been, but more definitely a won't be.

When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change which ever foot was previously there.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

Technically sound, but socially impossible.

This Officer reminds me of a gyroscope --- always spinning.

This young lady had delusions of adequacy.

Since my last report he has reached the bottom and has started digging.

She sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.

He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

This Officer should go far, and the sooner the better.

Works well under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.

This man is depriving a village of an idiot.

[johnhowe]

ATC v Pilots.

ARN N 851: " Halifax Terminal, Nova 851 with you request out of 13,000 for 10,000 requesting runway 15."

Halifax Terminal(Female) Last time I gave a pilot what he wanted, I was on penicillin for three weeks.

Expect runway 06"

Aurora; "Monkton, Trials 08, we'll be working VFR at 4,500. loitering over the city of St John for about
the next ten to 15 minutes. We'd like radar following CZQM; Trials 08 roger, you're radar identified. Are you
aware the city has byelaws against loitering?"

Aurora "Ah, roger that".

Controller "AF 123, say call sign of your wingman"

Pilot " Uh approach we're a single ship".

Controller "Oooh you have traffic"

This should ring a bell with a number of pilots.

Pilot; "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo established ILS 16"

Tower; Oscar Oscar Kilo, guten tag. cleared to land 16 wind calm and by the way; this is Vienna Tower."

Pilot; "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar kilo passed the outer marker"

Tower, "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger once more you are approaching Vienna"

Pilot "Comfirm this is not Bratislava,"

Tower "You can believe me, this is Vienna!"

Pilot " But why?, we want to go to Bratislava, not Vienna."

Tower "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left and climb
to 5000 feet vectors to Bratislava".

This reminds me of a certain F111 pilot who was flying to display at Woodford and ended up at Manchester
International. Over the years a number of Foreign Charter Aircraft have mistaken the Warton Approach for
Blackpool.

[jem60]

Monarch Boeing 720 approaching Luton [ah, Nostalgia!, with me on board!.] Female controller. ' 25, can I turn you on [to the ILS] : at 12 miles instead of 14?'. 'Well, Madam. I don't believe we have met yet, but you can certainly try!!!'

[johnhowe]

Classic Quotes:

" Man must ride above the earth, to the top of the atmosphere and beyond, for only thus will he fully
understand the world in which he lives"

Socrates ( Its good to know that footballer's have brains too. (TIC)

"Once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skywards, for there
you have been, and there you will always long to return."

Leonardo Da Vinci.

" I thought I was alone up here at 75,000 feet thinks U2/TR1 Pilot as he transits north of Scottish airspace as
he is intercepted by a pair of Leuchar's Lightnings one out of the sun and the other in the climb."

As we have B-52s in at Fairford at present here is some "Buff Talk" Cluster bombing from B-52s is very,
very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground. Whilst looking to see who was on the forum I thought it was very appropriate that Ronald Reagan was on task.

[johnhowe]

There are a lot of stories about the SR 71 I particularly like this one.

One-upmanship

Los Angeles centre reported receiving a request for clearance to FL600 (60,000Ft)

The incredulous controller, with some distain in his voice, asked, and just how do you plan to get

up to 60,000 feet?

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, " We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it."

He was cleared.

A Military pilot called for a priority landing because his single engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked"

Air Traffic told the fighter pilot that he was number 2 to a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah"

Fighter pilot remarked, " The dreaded seven-engine approach."

[johnhowe]

SR 71 Cont..

AN SR 71 was flying over Southern California when a bug smasher came on the airways in a dorky voice;

CESSNA 152 Ground Control, What's My Airspeed? Ground Control: 100 FL 100 a few moments later a cocky

voice came on: Mooney M20: Ground Control: What's my airspeed Ground Control 240 at FL 240.By this

time the SR 71 pilot is seething, but since communications were the duty of his new co-pilot, he remained

silent. A few moments of radio silence passed, and in the calmest voice imaginable the co-pilot keyed in:

SR 71 Ground Control what's our airspeed? Ground Control: 1875 at FL 800. There were no more speed

checks called in that afternoon.

and the pilot knew that he had a cool partner in the back seat.
:

[reheat module]

SR 71 Cont..

AN SR 71 was flying over Southern California when a bug smasher came on the airways in a dorky voice;

CESSNA 152 Ground Control, What's My Airspeed? Ground Control: 100 FL 100 a few moments later a cocky

voice came on: Mooney M20: Ground Control: What's my airspeed Ground Control 240 at FL 240.By this

time the SR 71 pilot is seething, but since communications were the duty of his new co-pilot, he remained

silent. A few moments of radio silence passed, and in the calmest voice imaginable the co-pilot keyed in:

SR 71 Ground Control what's our airspeed? Ground Control: 1875 at FL 800. There were no more speed

checks called in that afternoon.

and the pilot knew that he had a cool partner in the back seat.
:

Heard the very same above some years ago, with the final addition of the manned ISS calling in for a speed check..
Then the airwaves fell silent.

[Proteus]

An American tourist in London decided to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wandered around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a few beers.
After awhile, he found himself in a very high class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all . . . no public toilets (OK they call them restrooms)..
He really, really has to go, after all those beers!
He found a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decided to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he was unzipping, he was tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who said, "Excuse me sir, but you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I'm very sorry, officer," replied the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".
He lead him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opened.
"In there," said the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."
The fellow entered and found himself in the most beautiful garden he had ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he had the cop's blessing, he unburdened himself and wss greatly relieved.
As he went back through the gate, he said to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"
"No, sir" replied the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy.
__________________

[The Phantom]

Great jokes all. Keep 'em coming!

[johnhowe]

I Notice that a Lot of my jokes when my call sign was Spooks/Gru are resurfacing here is one from 2005 and compliments the French Embassy joke.

An Englishman is having breakfast one morning (coffee, bread butter and jam) when a Frenchman sits
down next to him chewing bubble gum and blows a large bubble, the Englishman ignores the Frenchman.

Frenchman " You English people eat the whole bread?"

Englishman (in bad mood) " Of Course"

Frenchman "We only eat the good white inside dough, the rind the crust we recycle and transform them
into croissants and sell them to Britain.

The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists; Do you have Jam on your bread?

Englishman "Of course"

Frenchman " We Don't in France we eat fresh food for breakfast then we put all the peels and
recycle them into jam and sell it to Britain.

After a few moments the Englishman asks " Do you have sex in france?

Frenchman "Why of course" he says with a huge smirk

Englishman "And what do you do with the condoms when you finish with them?"

Frenchman " We throw them away of course," Why do you ask?"

Englishman " We don't, in Britain we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down
into bubble-gum and sell them to France.

[Proteus]

MURDER AT TESCO

Tired of constantly
Being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend'
Put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.



The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.



A few Days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.



However, Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave The premises.

Under intense Questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the Newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this...)







'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco

[herc15]

things have been abit quiet around here recently

1. Why do Skodas have heated rear windscreens?

Old punch-line: To keep your hands warm while you're pushing it.


2. How do you double the price of a Skoda?

Old punch-line: Fill up the tank with petrol


3. Have you got a wing mirror for my Skoda?

Old punch-line: Okay, seems like a fair swap


4. What do you call a Skoda driver who says he's had a speeding ticket?

Old punch-line: A liar


5. What do you call a Skoda with a sun roof?

Old punch-line: A skip


6. I’ve just bought the new 16 valve Skoda...

Old punch-line: 4 in the engine, 12 in the radio! (older readers may better understand this)


7. How do you overtake a Skoda?

Old punch-line: Run


8. What colour shall I get my Skoda in?

Old punch-line: It doesn't matter, it'll go brown with rust after a week


9. How do you make a policeman laugh?

Old punch-line: Tell him your Skoda just got nicked



10. I bought the top-spec Skoda...

Old punch-line: ...this one came with an engine.

[AndrewBarclay]

Do not mess with ATC!

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching an airfield during the night-time. Instead of making official requests to the Tower, he said;
"Guess who?" The controller switched the lights off: and replied" " Guess where."

Is that a weapon in your pocket...?

In 1984 as part of Exercise "Lion heart" a large proportion of the Territorial Army was airlifted from UK
to Germany and a great deal of this was by civilian charter aircraft. Because it was a reinforcement
exercise, they travelled ready to deploy and the CAA had given them special dispensation for them to
carry their weapons (rifles etc) The pre flight brief was given by a particularly bossy BA Purser and after
the normal safety brief she finished with "you have permission to carry your guns" ( At this point the flight RSM intervened and pointed out that in army parlance they are called weapons) She continued " Oh alright,
you have special dispensation to carry weapons on this aircraft. Throughout the flight I expect to see your
weapons held erect between your knees."

Good order and discipline were in severe danger of breaking down.

[TREBAX_RAVEN]

what do you call a scoda at the top of a hill?
old punchline; a miracle

[slogen51]

Heard on the BBC

A Charity party is being organised including hot sausages aimed at children.

Ouch!

[herc15]

Doctor doctor, I feel like a carrot
• Don't get yourself in a stew

Doctor doctor, I've swallowed my pocket money
• Take this and we'll see if there's any change in the morning

Doctor doctor, what happened to that man who fell into the circular saw and had the whole left side of his body cut away?
• He's all right now.

Doctor doctor, I'm at death's door!
• don't worry, we'll soon pull you through

Doctor doctor, my spouse is so ill, is there no hope?
• it depends what you are hoping for

Doctor doctor, Help me now! I'm getting shorter and shorter!
• just wait there and be a little patient

Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of wigwams
• the problem is, you've become too tense

Doctor, doctor I’m addicted to brake fluid
• Nonsense man, you can stop anytime

Doctor doctor, I couldn't drink my medicine after my bath like you told me
• why not?
well after I've drunk my bath I haven't got room for the medicine

Doctor doctor, every time I drink a cup of hot chocolate I get a stabbing pain in the eye
• Try taking the spoon out first

Doctor, doctor I feel like a sheep.
• oh that's very baaaaaaaad!

Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
• pull yourselves together man

Doctor, doctor...I've just swallowed a roll of film!
• come back tomorrow and we'll see what develops!

Doctor, doctor I think I need glasses
• You certainly do missy, this is the fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Hmm, take these and if it's not better soon, give me a ring!

Doctor, doctor I think I'm suffering from Déjà Vu!
• Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor doctor, What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar?
• I find that very hard to believe!

Doctor doctor, I'm suffering from insomnia
• try sleeping at the edge of the mattress, you'll soon drop off.

Doctor doctor, what can you give me for the wind?
• here, try this kite

Doctor doctor, they've dropped me from the cricket team - they call me butterfingers
• don't worry, what you have is not catching

Doctor doctor, I'm really worried about my breathing
• We'll soon put a stop to that

Doctor doctor, people keep ignoring me . . .
• next please

Doctor doctor, I've got acute appendicitis
• You've got a cute little dimple too

Doctor, doctor, what's the quickest way to get to hospital?
• lie in the road outside

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live
• just wait a minute will you . . .

Doctor doctor, I've heard that exercise kills germs; is it true?
• Probably, but how do you get the germs to exercise?

Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory
• when did this happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor doctor, I've gone all crumbly, like a cheese biscuit...
• you're crackers

Doctor, doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake
• Sleep in another room then!

Doctor, doctor you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
• Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, doctor, can I have second opinion?
• Of course, come back tomorrow!

Doctor, doctor I've become invisible
• I'm afriad I can't see you now

Doctor, doctor my nose runs and my feet smell
• I fear you might have been built upside down

Doctor, doctor I've broken my arm in two places
• hmm, I'd advise you not to go back to either of those places then

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog
• Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor doctor I've a strawberry stuck in my ear!
• Don't worry, I've some cream for that!

Doctor doctor I feel like a pony!
• don't worry, you're just a little hoarse!

Doctor doctor you said i'd be dead in ten - ten what? years? months?
• 10, 9, 8, 7, 6...

Doctor doctor I've become a kleptomaniac
• have you taken anything for it?
so far a TV, three sofas and a necklace

Doctor doctor an alternative medicine quack told us to put a LOT of goose fat all over grandad's back
• if you do that, he'll go downhill fast

Doctor doctor I've swallowed a fish bone.
• are you choking?
No, I really did!

Doctor, Doctor I’m scared of Father Christmas
• you’re suffering from Claus-trophobia

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
• I never make rash promises...

Doctor doctor I keep seeing spots before my eyes
• have you seen a doctor already?
no, just spots

Doctor doctor every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy
• how long have you been getting these disney spells?

Doctor doctor I can't help it, I just keep thinking I'm a moth
• you need a psychiatrist not a doctor
I know, but I was walking past and I saw your light was on..

Doctor doctor I've got a cricket ball stuck in my bottom
• How's that?
Oh, don't you start...

Doctor, Doctor - I've got amnesia
• Just go home and try to forget about it...

Doctor, Doctor - they are saying in the waiting room that you've become a vampire...
• Necks please...

Doctor, Doctor - you have to help me out...
• Certainly. Which way did you come in?

Doctor, Doctor - I keep singing "Green green grass of home" - I think I have Tom Jones syndrome
• It's not unusual...

Doctor, Doctor - Aaa, Eee, I, oooh! You...
• I think you may have irrtitable vowel syndrome..

Doctor doctor I can't help thinking I'm a goat
• how long have you felt like this?
Since I was a kid..

Doctor, Doctor - I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar...
• Don't worry, you'll soon change...

Doctor, Doctor - I keep comparing things with something else.
• Don't worry, it's only analogy

Doctor, Doctor - I've a little bit of lettuce sticking out of my bottom
• Oh dear, I'm afraid to say it looks to me like just the tip of the iceberg

[herc15]

How can you tell if a man is a Harrier pilot?
he will tell you

[AndrewBarclay]

Doctor doctor, I feel like a carrot
• Don't get yourself in a stew

Doctor doctor, I've swallowed my pocket money
• Take this and we'll see if there's any change in the morning

Doctor doctor, what happened to that man who fell into the circular saw and had the whole left side of his body cut away?
• He's all right now.

Doctor doctor, I'm at death's door!
• don't worry, we'll soon pull you through

Doctor doctor, my spouse is so ill, is there no hope?
• it depends what you are hoping for

Doctor doctor, Help me now! I'm getting shorter and shorter!
• just wait there and be a little patient

Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of wigwams
• the problem is, you've become too tense

Doctor, doctor I’m addicted to brake fluid
• Nonsense man, you can stop anytime

Doctor doctor, I couldn't drink my medicine after my bath like you told me
• why not?
well after I've drunk my bath I haven't got room for the medicine

Doctor doctor, every time I drink a cup of hot chocolate I get a stabbing pain in the eye
• Try taking the spoon out first

Doctor, doctor I feel like a sheep.
• oh that's very baaaaaaaad!

Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
• pull yourselves together man

Doctor, doctor...I've just swallowed a roll of film!
• come back tomorrow and we'll see what develops!

Doctor, doctor I think I need glasses
• You certainly do missy, this is the fish and chip shop!

Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Hmm, take these and if it's not better soon, give me a ring!

Doctor, doctor I think I'm suffering from Déjà Vu!
• Didn't I see you yesterday?

Doctor doctor, What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar?
• I find that very hard to believe!

Doctor doctor, I'm suffering from insomnia
• try sleeping at the edge of the mattress, you'll soon drop off.

Doctor doctor, what can you give me for the wind?
• here, try this kite

Doctor doctor, they've dropped me from the cricket team - they call me butterfingers
• don't worry, what you have is not catching

Doctor doctor, I'm really worried about my breathing
• We'll soon put a stop to that

Doctor doctor, people keep ignoring me . . .
• next please

Doctor doctor, I've got acute appendicitis
• You've got a cute little dimple too

Doctor, doctor, what's the quickest way to get to hospital?
• lie in the road outside

Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live
• just wait a minute will you . . .

Doctor doctor, I've heard that exercise kills germs; is it true?
• Probably, but how do you get the germs to exercise?

Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory
• when did this happen?
When did what happen?

Doctor doctor, I've gone all crumbly, like a cheese biscuit...
• you're crackers

Doctor, doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake
• Sleep in another room then!

Doctor, doctor you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
• Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Doctor, doctor, can I have second opinion?
• Of course, come back tomorrow!

Doctor, doctor I've become invisible
• I'm afriad I can't see you now

Doctor, doctor my nose runs and my feet smell
• I fear you might have been built upside down

Doctor, doctor I've broken my arm in two places
• hmm, I'd advise you not to go back to either of those places then

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog
• Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

Doctor doctor I've a strawberry stuck in my ear!
• Don't worry, I've some cream for that!

Doctor doctor I feel like a pony!
• don't worry, you're just a little hoarse!

Doctor doctor you said i'd be dead in ten - ten what? years? months?
• 10, 9, 8, 7, 6...

Doctor doctor I've become a kleptomaniac
• have you taken anything for it?
so far a TV, three sofas and a necklace

Doctor doctor an alternative medicine quack told us to put a LOT of goose fat all over grandad's back
• if you do that, he'll go downhill fast

Doctor doctor I've swallowed a fish bone.
• are you choking?
No, I really did!

Doctor, Doctor I’m scared of Father Christmas
• you’re suffering from Claus-trophobia

Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
• I never make rash promises...

Doctor doctor I keep seeing spots before my eyes
• have you seen a doctor already?
no, just spots

Doctor doctor every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy
• how long have you been getting these disney spells?

Doctor doctor I can't help it, I just keep thinking I'm a moth
• you need a psychiatrist not a doctor
I know, but I was walking past and I saw your light was on..

Doctor doctor I've got a cricket ball stuck in my bottom
• How's that?
Oh, don't you start...

Doctor, Doctor - I've got amnesia
• Just go home and try to forget about it...

Doctor, Doctor - they are saying in the waiting room that you've become a vampire...
• Necks please...

Doctor, Doctor - you have to help me out...
• Certainly. Which way did you come in?

Doctor, Doctor - I keep singing "Green green grass of home" - I think I have Tom Jones syndrome
• It's not unusual...

Doctor, Doctor - Aaa, Eee, I, oooh! You...
• I think you may have irrtitable vowel syndrome..

Doctor doctor I can't help thinking I'm a goat
• how long have you felt like this?
Since I was a kid..

Doctor, Doctor - I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar...
• Don't worry, you'll soon change...

Doctor, Doctor - I keep comparing things with something else.
• Don't worry, it's only analogy

Doctor, Doctor - I've a little bit of lettuce sticking out of my bottom
• Oh dear, I'm afraid to say it looks to me like just the tip of the iceberg

Yesterday the 25th, January, I attended Clatterbridge Hospital after my appointment with the doctor I
showed him the Doctor, Doctor Jokes which he downloaded onto his phone for his many collegues a typical
pun "The Doctor was in stitches"