Jokes and Gags

[herc15]

this is an old one

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when
he notices a little boy next door. The little boy is in a little red wagon with
little ladders hung off the side. He is wearing a fireman's hat and has the
wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little boy. What are you doing?"
The little boy says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"
The fireman walks over to take a closer look.
"Little boy that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister",
says the little boy. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little boy
has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little boy", says the fireman,
"I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that
rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't
have a siren!" "

[herc15]

Found in Actual Military Evaluation Reports...
1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room-temperature IQ.
4. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
6. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
7. Bright as Alaska in December.
8. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
9. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
10. Fell out of the family tree.
11. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
12. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
13. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
14. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
15. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
16. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
17. Takes him and hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
18. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
19. This Marine is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
20. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

[herc15]

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, size
14-16.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo and your NRA magazines.

3. Put a giant dog dish next to the boots and magazine.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

" Hey Bubba: Big Mike, Slim, Tiny and I went for more ammo. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the Pitbulls. They attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up pretty bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but I locked all four of them in the house. Better wait outside"

[herc15]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing, there were three finalists - two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. Given the instruction to kill her husband, she took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun was loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[herc15]

Married 35 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 35 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond."

"Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 60 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed........

[herc15]

A Navy Petty Officer and his Captain are on a train to Washington to meet the President. On their train the only two seats are across from an old woman and a sexy young blonde. As the train speeds on, they approach a tunnel. All of a sudden a kiss followed by a smack is heard. When the Lights come on again, the four are sitting as if nothing had happened. The Old woman thinks-"damned Captian, he shouldn't have tried that, but at least my daughter popped him!" The young woman thinks-"Wow that captain is fresh, but i wish my mother hadn't slapped him" The Captain thinks-"I wish that woman would have missed me and hit that Petty Officer!" The petty officer thinks-"Wow, not every day you get to kiss a hot woman and bust your commander in the chops!"

[herc15]

Five tips for a woman....

1. YOU NEED a man that works around the house and has a job.
2. YOU NEED a man that makes you laugh.
3. YOU NEED a man you can count on who doesn't lie to you.
4. YOU NEED a man who loves you and spoils you.
5. IT IS IMPORTANT that these men never meet each other

[herc15]

Iraq:Ha! stupid infidels why do you fight? We have already blown up two of your Buildings!

America: Yeah?Bitch we blew up two of your COUNTRIES!

Iraq: We will fight your military and be victorious!

America: Is that why your throwing rocks at M-1 Abrams?

Iraq:If we find nukes we might use them!

America: Uh...We HAVE them and have USED THEM! Don't you watch the histroy channel?Call Japan, they can hook you up with a guy with 3 eyes and a tail.

Iraq:we killed thousands of your people!

America:Bitch, weve killed................Millions

Iraq:we have a mighty holy army!

America: Well after all the Cruise Missles, Rockets,Bombs,bunker busters,Cannon shells,tank shells, bullets, and grenades, we agree that your army is pretty "Holey"

Iraq:We will kill your women!

America: oh you mean like the one who dropped that 5,000lb Iron bomb on your cammel??

Iraq:We will return and terroize you again

America:UhHuh......and we'll be back to make a giant swimming pool out of ya next time

[herc15]

Jake was dying. His wife was at his bedside. He looked up at her and said
weakly: "I have something I must confess."


"There's no need to," his wife replied soothingly.


"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I must have your forgiveness. I
did a terrible thing. I slept with your sister. I slept with your best
friend. Her best friend. And your mother."


"I know," she replied, "now just lie back, rest and let the poison work."

[herc15]

Murphy and the Bricks
ANON
An Ode to Bricklayers

Sir, I write this letter to let you know why Murphy’s not at work today

While working on the 14th floor, some bricks I had to clear
Tossing them down from such a height was not a good idea
The foreman wasn’t very pleased he is an awkward sod
He said I’d have to carry them down the ladder in my hod
Now shifting all the bricks by hand, it was so very slow
So 1 hoisted up a barrel, and secured a rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks ‘twas heavier than me
When I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket and to my dismay I found
That halfway up, I met the darn barrel coming down
Now the barrel broke my shoulder, as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top, I banged the pulley with me head
I clung on lightly numbed with shock, from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half its bricks, from 14 floors below
When these bricks had fallen, from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and started down once more
Still clinging lightly to the rope me body racked with pain
I met the darn barrel, halfway down again
Now the force of this collision, halfway down the block
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state or shock
Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground
Landing on the broken bricks the barrel had scattered around
And as I lay there groaning. I thought I’d passed the worst
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel and then the bottom burst
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I didn’t have a hope
As I lay bleeding on the ground I let go the darn rope
The barrel then being heavier, it started down once more
And landed right across me, as I lay there on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say
I hope you understand, why Murphy’s not at work today

[herc15]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"This first body is a Frenchman aged 60, he died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector." says the Coroner.

"This second body is that of a Scotsman aged 25, he won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey and died of alcohol poisoning, hence his smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is a most unusual one. Billy-Bob from Oklahoma aged 30. He was struck by lightning."
"Then why is he smiling?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.

[herc15]

Teacher taking class for poetry asks them to make up a poem about their names. After a few minutes she asked if anyone had made a poem up.

A little lad stands up and says

My name is Dan
When I grow up I want to be a man
And sail to China and Japan
If I can.

Very good said the teacher

So a little girl stands up and says.

My name is Mary Brady
I want to grow up and be a lady
Have a baby
If I may be.

Another lad stands up and says

My name is also Dan
oh fudge China and Japan
If Mary Brady wants that baby
Then I’m her darn man.

[herc15]

Still on poetry the teacher changes tact and say that the poem must end in the words Timbuktu.

A little girl stands up and says.

I saw a ship out at sea
And it had a happy crew
I knew that they were happy
For they were off to Timbuktu.

The teacher said very good, and the second Dan stood up again. The teacher knowing what his poetry was like reminded him that it must end in Timbuktu. To which he replied, it does miss is does.

Tim and I down by the River Trent
Saw three girls pitching a tent
We had nothing better to do
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.

[herc15]

The teacher’s taking the class for spelling, so she goes to the first child and asked what type of job her father does.

The child answers “My daddy’s a fireman.”
“Can you spell fireman for me?”
The child says “f..i..r..e..m..a..n. fireman.”
“Very good.” says the teacher and moves onto the next child.

“And what does your daddy do?”
“My dad’s a sheetmetal worker in Sheffield.”
“Can you spell sheetmetal.”
The child starts “s..h..i..t.”
“No no,” says the teacher, “try again.”
“s…..h…..i…..t”
“No, here;s a piece of chalk you may be able to write it better.”
She moves into the next child saying “What does your daddy do?”
“My father’s a Turf Accountant, he takes bets on horses and dogs.”
“Can you spell Turf Accountant?”
No miss, but I’ll give you 6 to 4 you get **** on the blackboard.

[herc15]

US ARMED FORCES RULES OF ENGAGEMENT


U.S.M.C

1.Be courtious to every one, friendly to no one
2.have a plan
3. have a backup plan cause the first one won't work
4. anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice
5. Never enter a gunfight with a handgun who's caliber don't start with a '4'
6. Play dirty.The only unfair fight is the one you loose
7.Distance is your friend
8. Look cool in new digital BDU's
9.Kill all enemies in sight
10.If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot

U.S Navy seals

1.adjust speedo
2.Kill every thing in view
3.adjust hair in mirror
4.Look awsome in $800 sunglasses

U.S army

1.swear bitterly when recieving operational orders.
2.Pack extra ammo and coffee
3.swear bitterly
4.swear bitterly but louder
5.never listen to your 2nd Lt., they can get you killed
6.Swear bitterly at 2nd Lt.
7.Call in artillery and send in the airborne

U.S Army Ranger and Airborne

1.jump out of plane
2.Walk 30 miles to target while carrying a 80 pound russack while starving
3.request pemission to kill targets via radio
4.wait 6 hours in hail,snow,rain, and 100 degree weather while waiting for orders
5.Swear bitterly when operation is cancled
6.walk 30 miles to LZ while carrying 80 lb russack while starving

U.S Navy
1.Go to sea
2.Drink coffee
3.Deploy marriens
4.Play ping Pong
5.Launch cruise missle 500 miles to blow up Iraqi outhouse

U.S.Air Force

1.Drink coffee
2.see whats on HBO
3.Ask "what is a gunfight"
4.Request new planes
5.win funding from DoD with a sweet powerpoint slide show
6.Wine and Dine High command
7.Recieve assets and declare them "stratigic"......never use them operationaly
8.Rush to make 13:45 tee time
9. Build base as far from conflict as possible, but close enough to recive tax deductions.
10.Drink more coffee

[herc15]

The husband comes from a hard day's work at the pickle factory, and finally confesses his secret to his wife. He's developed a sexual compulsion in which he fantasises about putting his di** in the pickle slicer!!
His wife wants to arrange an appointment with a sex therapist, but he says he is too embarressed, and will sort the problem himself.
Two weeks later, he arrives home after work, ashen faced and trembling. 'What's wrong?' says his wife, 'talk to me.'
'Well,' he says, 'you know the urge I had ..... well I gave in to it, and they've sacked me.'
His wife immediately pulls down his zip and checks. All there, no sign of any damage, so she says, 'Well what the hell happened to the pickle slicer?'
'Oh,' he says, 'they sacked her as well.'

[herc15]

"A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Hugo Boss suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and shouted:

"Hey, if I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The young man parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi- tech, miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That is correct, take one of the sheep," said the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"

"OK, why not," answered the man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant" said the shepherd.

"That's correct, but how did you guess?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You turned up here, although nobody invited you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know anything about my business.

Now, give me back my dog".

[herc15]

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

Michael Burke on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

'Winning Post's' Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

[herc15]

Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
A: He sold his soul to Santa

Q: Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A: He's all right now.

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.

Q: How do you get holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it.

Q: How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?
A: She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment.

Q: What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
A: Dam.

Q: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
A: Polaroids.

Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.

Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
A: National Dyslexics Association.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: A stick.

Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.

Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.

Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A: Quatro sinko.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A: A pachydermatologist

[herc15]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly, she sneezes
and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He
reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards the theatre
followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest
dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come
to her place for a nightcap ......... and stay for breakfast.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You
know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?", "No," she replies........."

"You just happened to catch my eye."