"Correct" give that man a coconut.Nighthawke wrote:OK - I'll be the first smarta*se!
Put the first letter at the end and then read it right to left i.e. backwards.
Back to the jokes.
"Correct" give that man a coconut.Nighthawke wrote:OK - I'll be the first smarta*se!
Put the first letter at the end and then read it right to left i.e. backwards.
I refer you to Jokes & Gags 23/12/17 page 9 at least your diver survived mine ended up in a forest fire.herc15 wrote:If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you're in a coma!
Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a
commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an
e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station
103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a "worst job
experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.
"Hi Sue, Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last
week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling
down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you
to make you realize it's not so bad after all. "Before I can tell
you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom
of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This
time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm
is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000
piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through
a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like
a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no
complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working,
is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This
floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a
Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt
started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made
things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I
realized what had happened. "The hot water machine had sucked up a
jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any
hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the
crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I
thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the
crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over
the communicator. "His instructions were unclear due to the fact
that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing
hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed
to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling
thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my
chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was
wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water,
the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me
a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got
in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for
two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're
having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if
you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. "Now repeat to yourself,
"I love my job, I love my job, I love my job." And whenever you
have a bad day, ask yourself: is this a "jellyfish bad day?"
Heard the very same above some years ago, with the final addition of the manned ISS calling in for a speed check..johnhowe wrote:SR 71 Cont..
AN SR 71 was flying over Southern California when a bug smasher came on the airways in a dorky voice;
CESSNA 152 Ground Control, What's My Airspeed? Ground Control: 100 FL 100 a few moments later a cocky
voice came on: Mooney M20: Ground Control: What's my airspeed Ground Control 240 at FL 240.By this
time the SR 71 pilot is seething, but since communications were the duty of his new co-pilot, he remained
silent. A few moments of radio silence passed, and in the calmest voice imaginable the co-pilot keyed in:
SR 71 Ground Control what's our airspeed? Ground Control: 1875 at FL 800. There were no more speed
checks called in that afternoon.
and the pilot knew that he had a cool partner in the back seat.
:
Yesterday the 25th, January, I attended Clatterbridge Hospital after my appointment with the doctor Iherc15 wrote:Doctor doctor, I feel like a carrot
• Don't get yourself in a stew
Doctor doctor, I've swallowed my pocket money
• Take this and we'll see if there's any change in the morning
Doctor doctor, what happened to that man who fell into the circular saw and had the whole left side of his body cut away?
• He's all right now.
Doctor doctor, I'm at death's door!
• don't worry, we'll soon pull you through
Doctor doctor, my spouse is so ill, is there no hope?
• it depends what you are hoping for
Doctor doctor, Help me now! I'm getting shorter and shorter!
• just wait there and be a little patient
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of wigwams
• the problem is, you've become too tense
Doctor, doctor I’m addicted to brake fluid
• Nonsense man, you can stop anytime
Doctor doctor, I couldn't drink my medicine after my bath like you told me
• why not?
well after I've drunk my bath I haven't got room for the medicine
Doctor doctor, every time I drink a cup of hot chocolate I get a stabbing pain in the eye
• Try taking the spoon out first
Doctor, doctor I feel like a sheep.
• oh that's very baaaaaaaad!
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
• pull yourselves together man
Doctor, doctor...I've just swallowed a roll of film!
• come back tomorrow and we'll see what develops!
Doctor, doctor I think I need glasses
• You certainly do missy, this is the fish and chip shop!
Doctor, Doctor I think I'm a bell?
Hmm, take these and if it's not better soon, give me a ring!
Doctor, doctor I think I'm suffering from Déjà Vu!
• Didn't I see you yesterday?
Doctor doctor, What can I do? Everyone thinks I'm a liar?
• I find that very hard to believe!
Doctor doctor, I'm suffering from insomnia
• try sleeping at the edge of the mattress, you'll soon drop off.
Doctor doctor, what can you give me for the wind?
• here, try this kite
Doctor doctor, they've dropped me from the cricket team - they call me butterfingers
• don't worry, what you have is not catching
Doctor doctor, I'm really worried about my breathing
• We'll soon put a stop to that
Doctor doctor, people keep ignoring me . . .
• next please
Doctor doctor, I've got acute appendicitis
• You've got a cute little dimple too
Doctor, doctor, what's the quickest way to get to hospital?
• lie in the road outside
Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live
• just wait a minute will you . . .
Doctor doctor, I've heard that exercise kills germs; is it true?
• Probably, but how do you get the germs to exercise?
Doctor, doctor, I've lost my memory
• when did this happen?
When did what happen?
Doctor doctor, I've gone all crumbly, like a cheese biscuit...
• you're crackers
Doctor, doctor I snore so loud I keep myself awake
• Sleep in another room then!
Doctor, doctor you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
• Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Doctor, doctor, can I have second opinion?
• Of course, come back tomorrow!
Doctor, doctor I've become invisible
• I'm afriad I can't see you now
Doctor, doctor my nose runs and my feet smell
• I fear you might have been built upside down
Doctor, doctor I've broken my arm in two places
• hmm, I'd advise you not to go back to either of those places then
Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog
• Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
Doctor doctor I've a strawberry stuck in my ear!
• Don't worry, I've some cream for that!
Doctor doctor I feel like a pony!
• don't worry, you're just a little hoarse!
Doctor doctor you said i'd be dead in ten - ten what? years? months?
• 10, 9, 8, 7, 6...
Doctor doctor I've become a kleptomaniac
• have you taken anything for it?
so far a TV, three sofas and a necklace
Doctor doctor an alternative medicine quack told us to put a LOT of goose fat all over grandad's back
• if you do that, he'll go downhill fast
Doctor doctor I've swallowed a fish bone.
• are you choking?
No, I really did!
Doctor, Doctor I’m scared of Father Christmas
• you’re suffering from Claus-trophobia
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
• I never make rash promises...
Doctor doctor I keep seeing spots before my eyes
• have you seen a doctor already?
no, just spots
Doctor doctor every time I stand up quickly, I see Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy
• how long have you been getting these disney spells?
Doctor doctor I can't help it, I just keep thinking I'm a moth
• you need a psychiatrist not a doctor
I know, but I was walking past and I saw your light was on..
Doctor doctor I've got a cricket ball stuck in my bottom
• How's that?
Oh, don't you start...
Doctor, Doctor - I've got amnesia
• Just go home and try to forget about it...
Doctor, Doctor - they are saying in the waiting room that you've become a vampire...
• Necks please...
Doctor, Doctor - you have to help me out...
• Certainly. Which way did you come in?
Doctor, Doctor - I keep singing "Green green grass of home" - I think I have Tom Jones syndrome
• It's not unusual...
Doctor, Doctor - Aaa, Eee, I, oooh! You...
• I think you may have irrtitable vowel syndrome..
Doctor doctor I can't help thinking I'm a goat
• how long have you felt like this?
Since I was a kid..
Doctor, Doctor - I keep thinking I'm a caterpillar...
• Don't worry, you'll soon change...
Doctor, Doctor - I keep comparing things with something else.
• Don't worry, it's only analogy
Doctor, Doctor - I've a little bit of lettuce sticking out of my bottom
• Oh dear, I'm afraid to say it looks to me like just the tip of the iceberg
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