Jokes and Gags

[herc15]

An Australian schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a Wallabies fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Wallabies fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand expect one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Wallabies fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Wallabies fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am an All Blacks fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why are you an All Blacks fan?" "Because my mum is an All Blacks fan, and my dad is an All Blacks fan, so I'm an All Blacks fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be an All Blacks fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Wallabies fan."

[herc15]

The family of Auckland Blues Rugby supporters head out shopping one Saturday before Christmas.

While in a sport shop, the son picks up a Crusaders rugby jersey and says to his sister, "I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas!"

The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."

Off goes the little lad, with Crusaders jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mum," "Yes, son ?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas."

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your father."

Off he goes with the Crusaders jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I would like this jersey for Christmas."

The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned an important lesson today?" The son turns to his father and says, "Yes, Father, I have." Father says, "Good son, and what is it?"

The son replies "I've only been a Crusaders supporter for an hour and already I hate you Auckland b£%*@#$ds!!!"

[herc15]

The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.

"No worries," Jonah told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened." After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his teammates the final score: 95-3.

"What!!!!" said a furious Josh Kronfeld, "How did you let them get three points??!" Jonah replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."

[herc15]

The relationship between the Welsh and English is based on trust and understanding. They don’t trust us and we don’t understand them.
Dudley Wood
Rugby union secretary

[airfixpilot]

If I was you, start with the old kids jokes, then work up to adult jokes. Dont forget the joke is in the ................................................................Timing.

Ten tomatoes on a wall, which one was the cowboy?....................................................None of them, they were all redskins.
Why do birds fly south for the winter?........................................................Because its too far to walk
Two eggs in a pan of boiling hot water, one says its hot in here, the other says, wait till they get you out..................They smash your head in.

[airfixpilot]

SOUNDS AS IF WE NEED A JOKE FORUM? Am I right??

[airfixpilot]

one more joke...

A RAF pilot and student prepare for take off in an jet provost aircraft. The instructor explains the take off roll and speed, and shows the student the relevant controls. The take off roll starts, and the instructor watches the students face, 45 knts-60knts . The instructor notices the student is frowning, so tells him to CHEER UP.

All of a sudden the provost belly flops on the runway and skids to a halt. The instructor says to the student what the hell happened???. Sheepishly the student says, sorry sir I thought you said Gear up.

[johnhowe]

one more joke...

A RAF pilot and student prepare for take off in an jet provost aircraft. The instructor explains the take off roll and speed, and shows the student the relevant controls. The take off roll starts, and the instructor watches the students face, 45 knts-60knts . The instructor notices the student is frowning, so tells him to CHEER UP.

All of a sudden the provost belly flops on the runway and skids to a halt. The instructor says to the student what the hell happened???. Sheepishly the student says, sorry sir I thought you said Gear up.

Nice one David I actually laughed at that one, most of the jokes and gags cause me to smile, but that was true to life.

[herc15]

Things were starting to get stale + i am bored so........

What slogan do you get when you combine Star Wars and F1?
"May the downforce be with you"

[herc15]

Dan was travelling back into England and had just crossed the bridge after watching Wales V England up at Swansea when all of a sudden there was a huge traffic jam on the M4.

He saw a police officer walking in and out of the stationary cars speaking to the drivers so he shouts over to him “Oi mate, What’s happening then?”

The officer replies “There’s an Welshman in the middle of the motorway really depressed about losing to England and and don’t know of he can carry on with life, he’s even talking about dousing himself in petrol and setting himself alight”

“He’s so unhappy that even his family has disowned him so I’m going round all the cars taking up a collection for him”

“Oh tidy” said Dan, “How much have you got so far?”

“Well so far” says the officer, “I’ve collected about 50 litres but I’ve got connections at Texaco and my mate is bringing a whole lorry full”

[herc15]

What do you call a Welshman holding the Rugby World Cup?…..The Engraver!

[herc15]

BBC Sport: England 67-3 Romania

Not sure if that’s a rugby score or life expectancy.

[Dan D'Air]

Things were starting to get stale + i am bored so........

What slogan do you get when you combine Star Wars and F1?
"May the downforce be with you"

"Feel the Force, Lewis. Feel the Force"

[herc15]

My dream job of driving trucks in Australia turned into a nightmare when I broke down in the outback hundreds of miles from civilisation.

After three days the water ran out and started drinking my own urine. After another three days I could no longer recycle my pee and realised I was out of options and had to accept the inevitable.

So I opened some of the Fosters I was delivering.

[herc15]

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

[herc15]

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don’t take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe “Go To Hell”.

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

[herc15]

Things were starting to get stale + i am bored so........

What slogan do you get when you combine Star Wars and F1?
"May the downforce be with you"

"Feel the Force, Lewis. Feel the Force"

haha nice one

[herc15]

“What’s the difference between The Invisible Man and Scotland? You’ve got more chance of seeing The Invisible Man at the World Cup Finals.”

[herc15]

“What’s the difference between london irish and a Tea Bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.”

[herc15]

“In 26 years as Manchester United manager, Sir Alex Ferguson won 13 Premier League trophies, 10 community shields, 5 FA Cups, 4 League cups, 2 Champions Leagues and only used one piece of chewing gum.”