Jokes and Gags

[Sparts99]

Internet search of the comedians who you think would like the style, find their website, their management details should be there somewhere, contaqct them but don't send any material unsolicited.

[Freeman Lowell]

C. You're having a laugh aren't you?
Freeman

[Skip]

tell us a joke CG

[garyscott]

A guy meets a 'Lady of horizontal refreshment' in a bar.
She purrs at him - "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £100, as long as you can say it in only three words."
The guy thinks for a few seconds, "Hey, why not!", so he pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £100 on the bar, and says slowly . . . . .
"Paint . . . . my . . . . house"

[garyscott]

People used to laugh at me when I would say "Im going to be a comedian", well, nobody's laughing now!

Do you do stand up then? im a self taught(not that hard) gagsmith

C.

Swapped it for my favourite, you must have replied as i was typing!

[beefsteak]

Is it just me being old fashioned but aren't jokes supposed to be funny, or am I missing something here?

[Amp]

Agree with Beefsteak.
Dog whistle was obvious, skirting truth and bins are too obscure. 1 eyed pirate not new.
Perhaps try an alternate career?

[Mike]

Well, I must admit that I've certainly not split my sides laughing at any of them.

Perhaps it's the way you tell them, Cornish?

[Skip]

I should have said - Crap Gags in the style of Tim Vine


C.

err...no

[Nighthawke]

This is meant in the nicest possible way:

If you have a day job, don't give it up - if you don't then I'm not sure that comedy is the right path.

[garyscott]

[Mark43]

Don't know if this is a wind up but I just received a text saying I'd won £500 cash or two tickets to an Elvis tribute night. It says Press 1 for the money or 2 for the show



I thought my new girlfriend might be the one.
But after looking through her nicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform I finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for me........


My mate went to get a tattoo of an indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For feck sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"


Proper jokes

[beefsteak]

My mate went to get a tattoo of an indian on his back. Half way through he said, "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand." The tattooist said "For feck sake, give us a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban!"


Proper jokes

Now that IS funny!!

[Nighthawke]

I've started listening to Snooker on the radio - very entertaining.....

Reminds me of the old line from TV many years ago - something along the lines of "...and for those watching in black and white, the yellow ball is next to the pink..."!

[garyscott]

A Mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt,

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

[garyscott]

In a busy city, It is the funeral of a parking warden.
The vicar hears a knocking noise, apparently coming from the coffin.
He leans in and hears a weak voice saying "I'm not dead, open the lid!"
"Too late, pal." says the vicar . . .
"I've done the f*#king paperwork."

[garyscott]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress.
Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.”

[Blackcat1]

That last one is brill!! Lol

[garyscott]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor to have a sperm count done as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened, so the man explained.
"Well doc, it's like this, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. I tried with my left hand, nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Betty, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! - "You asked your neighbour!??!!"

The old man replied, "Of course i did, the missus and i couldn't get the sodding jar open."

[beefsteak]

Reminds me of :-

A rather deaf old man is at the doctors with his wife, the doc tells the man "I want a sperm sample, a stool sample and a urine sample". The old man asks his wife what he'd said. "He wants to see your underpants"